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telegram from the inside - annie hex + josh gustin

from as it happens by Annie Hex

/

lyrics

1.
we've been trying to reach you. stop.
you've left us on read. sent us to voicemail. stop.
have you been afraid to look at yourself? have you been sealed shut? stop.
stop. look. stop. look. stop. look.
inside is not so dark when you shine a light. stop.
when you free yourself. come out of your closet. of your vault. stop.
let yourself be raw and seething- stop.
not just skinny and pretty and so clean- stop.
let yourself be fractured and messy- unkempt. unswept. stop.
you aren't this fragile thing mama raised you to be anymore. stop.
unlock your closet door + open the window. stop.
crumble on the floor. cry in public. but whatever you do-
please, come out and be seen. stop.


2.
This time 4 years ago, I took everything out of my closet + lined the floor with pillows and blankets. I needed somewhere to hide- where I wouldn't be judged. Where no one could touch me. Or need me. I wanted to go unseen. But I AM SO BIG. I rarely go unnoticed. Unbothered.

I lived in a place called LOUDER HOUSE + for once, I just wanted to be quiet. Being this LOUD in this queer survivor body is a responsibility. I can't escape my flamboyance. This vulnerability. My own aching presence.

4 years later, we come back to the closet. The vault. But this time, the door is open. And you get to see inside what wanted to hide. She turned on every light. Came out in brilliant colors. Came out an honest mess. A melted ballerina in a jewelry box still dancing.


3.
After it happened, you couldn't look anyone in the eye. Stop.
You were afraid they'd see the violence he forced into your body. Stop.
See his violence when they looked at you. Stop.
That they'd somehow mistake it for you. Stop.
You sure as hell did. Stop.
Made yourself into this monster that you're not. Stop.
But last night, she looked you in the eyes. Stop.
Said your eyes looked like foaming glasses of cream soda. Stop.
And she looked you in the eyes and she didn't see the violence. Stop.
Maybe the ache. But not his violence. Not anymore. Stop.
Not what left you feeling tainted and sour. Bitter and small. A shell. Stop.

They say it takes 7 years to get any trace of him off your body. Stop.
Last week, marked 7 years since it happened. Stop.

And she sees cream soda in your eyes. Stop.
And you're no longer crawling inside that dark closet. Stop.
No longer a shell of yourself. NO LONGER HIDING. Stop.
You burst forth in every neon color. Every neon mistake. Stop.
In the brave choice to be that which could have stayed broken but didn’t. Stop.

You put your fractured self back together. Stop.
You're not the same, but you’re pieced back together. Stop.
You open the door to be seen. Stop.
You open the door to melt out of your cage. Stop.
Melt out of that closet you used to lock yourself in. Stop.
You are cream soda at your favorite diner in the city in fall. Stop.


And you say, you say- hold me like lilacs hold their shape and bruises fade away. Stop.
And you say, you say- hold me like lilacs hold their shape and bruises fade away. Stop.

Be your own kind of violence. Stop.
You get to scream out your truth. Stop.
Pick a new president and the next one after that. Stop.
Be your own definition of all consuming. Stop.
7 years later- it's no longer about him or what he did. Stop.

Stop. Look. Stop. Look. Stop. Look.

Burst open because love, it’s finally now about YOU.

credits

from as it happens, released November 5, 2020
spoken word - annie hex (@annie.hex)
guitar - josh gustin (@funk.squatch)

license

all rights reserved

tags

about

Annie Hex Chicago, Illinois

improvisational spoken word poet
creating work that is sparkly & biting, leaving it in unexpected places across america.

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